Some final thoughts
Having become constrained by the format of this Wiblog Therapy, I have decided to draw this thread to a close. A recent post by Lanark, plus a conversation at work today, prompted the following train of thought. The idea expressed appears fundamental to classic ‘depressive thinking’.
I think there are many of us who wish to earn credit in life. This is not, in and of itself, a bad thing – we all like to achieve things on our own merits. There is a flip side to this, however in that it can leave no room for failure and thus no opportunity for the gift of grace. The grace that comes with overlooking a ‘fault’ or a ‘failing’ that a good friend will do. Forgiveness, I suppose.
I know, on some levels, that those who love me (God, family, friends etc) will forgive me on the whole. Because they value me, I am blessed by people who will overlook stuff that I find difficult to accept in myself However, if I’m honest, I do not want it to be about being forgiven and accepted ‘despite’ my faults. I actually do not want to have to be forgiven! Deep down in the dark of my humanity, I actually want to never make a mistake. Never want to know failure, disappointment in myself, the sense I have let another down. In short, I want to be perfect!
Can anyone see the problem here? In some perverse way, it is a form of pride. The pride that says ‘I will only accept your high opinion of me when I have proved to myself and you that I am worth it in my own eyes!‘ No, get over yourself, Dith! Accept that you are not perfect, never will be this side of eternity and allow others to think well of you if they choose. Somewhere along the line, I may actually learn to extend much needed grace to myself – and finally stop trying so flipping hard to get it right! (Whatever that means!)
At the end of the day, the real forgiveness needed is forgiveness of myself. The acceptance of my own humanity, frailty and brokenness. In getting there, I guess I can reach a stage where the love and forgiveness of others actually penetrates my thick skin of low self-esteem and I start to relax. I’m getting there, WibFolk, but it is a loooooong journey! 🙂