Monthly Archives: June 2006

Thanks, you lovely people

After quite a time of it recently, I am retreating a little from life. Giving self-analysis and stuff a break and, sadly, pulling back from giving out for a while.

Am off to my folks for a long week-end. I know it is going to be a tuff one and am desperately conserving my last vestiges of energy for that. So, my lovelies, I am going to be around but not in any tangible way. Any lack of comments on your blogs does not mean that I don’t care. I value your lives and your stories, they add a richness to my life but sometimes I need to check my reflex to respond to every expressed need or thought-provoking comment. I am learning that it is not always necessary and sometimes counterproductive.

For now, I’m looking after me.

God bless, all.

Beware: Self-anlysing rant, not for the faint hearted

I am SO in need of offloading.

Many thoughts and happenings, shocks and disappointments, constraints and lack of self-control.

Just so much to say. To someone who will listen, to anyone who will listen.

Circular arguments and people pressing my buttons left, right and centre. Why is that? Are my buttons so numerous, so obvious or do I just have a very sensitive bunch of connective wires? Sometimes I just want them to stop but, in a perverse way, I actually thrive on the need others have for me. The reactions they cause make me feel more alive, somehow.

Then, people do something unexpected. The one who I assumed to be a poor, fluffy vulnerable thing proves to have poisonous claws. Another, who I had assumed thrived on debate and discourse, seems to need some distance from that very thing. Was that my fault? Do I actually ‘overfeed’ people, misread them or simply get it all wrong. I feel so wrong-footed and uncertain of much that I have taken for granted for so long.

Also, why can I never turn away from a need and feel diminished when I discover that my generosity has been abused or, worse, if I am not actually needed as much as I thought? That is SO hard.

I am discovering much about myself and others and, I would say, my whole attitude is undergoing a shift of almost seismic proportions. Watch me dance about frantically as I try not to fall down the cracks!

Will someone please make it stop?!? Or at least disconnect my wires or take out my batteries so I don’t have to deal with it.

Does any of this make any sense to any of you out there? It may sound like a desparate rant and, in a way it is, but worry not (if you are). I am just coping with the landscape of my mind and perceptions shifting.

I am not who I thought I was. My motives are not always the ones I assumed them to be. Furhtermore, people do not conform to the boxes I have shoved them in for so long. I am waking up to the fact that the world, which I have long known to be complex and confusing, is far more random and unpredictable than I ever could have imagined.

The can of worms is open and they are everywhere!!!

I do like your attitude, young man!

This blog entry could just have easily been entitled ‘I don’t like your attitude, old man!’, cos that is where it starts. As Only Husband mentioned in his blog, we attempted to donate a few items of furniture the other day. The arrival of those collecting the stuff did not start well, with my opening the door to a couple of yoofs (cue thought ‘eh?’) who pointed silently in the direction of the Cheery Chap bringing up the rear. After sullenly checking over the chest of drawers (rejected) he complained that he couldn’t look at the wardrobe as there was too much stuff in the way.

"Oh, I’m sorry, would you have liked me to have left the stuff in, on and around the wardrobe instead of piling it, unobstructively, on the bed?!?" was exactly what I didn’t say, being the polite, well brought up type. Then, by some miracle, he discovered that he could, in fact, get to the wardrobe! After checking it, he declared that it could be taken. However, he and his ‘muscular men’ could not lift it out of the room. So he politely and apologetically requested that Husband and I do their job for them…well, apart from the politeness…oh, and the apology.

No, no, he did not get my back up. At all. No.

Anyway, I decided not the blog this, but the wonderful contrast later in the day left me with a smile on my face. I thought it would serve as a nice illustration of the difference attitude makes. I was standing in the queue in the local Spar, there was a young lad with a peirced lip and floppy hair in front of me. He muttered ‘Shit’ under his breath, and left his place to collect an item he had evidently forgotten. During his absence, an elderly lady squeezed her way past and into place behind me, apologising that she appeared to be pushing in. She evidently wasn’t, its just that she had to shuffle between the queue in front and the shelving in order to gain her place. At that point, the young man returned, and stood behind her. I said he should regain his place, he declined. Friendly old lady encouraged him, at which point he gratefully retook his place. A chat in the queue then began between me, young lad, friendly old lady and another lady. It was pleasant, uplifting and a total contrast to the Cheery Chap earlier that day.

A wonderful illustration of the power of the last being first! Grin!

To avoid confusion

In light of the previous entry, I would like to clarify a point. Handing over those I care for to God is not in any way the same as handing a particular tenant to another Support Worker. I really don’t think that the following would go down well,

"I’m not coming into work today, God is handling my caseload personally."

"Sorry, I won’t visit you this week-end after all, Mum. The Lord is with you anyway, so it’s not a problem."

"Nah, I don’t want to come out for a drink with you tonight. Why don’t you ask Jesus? You could order water and have a very cheap boozey evening."

Now, that would just be silly!

Shed

No, not a wooden structure for storing garden implements, but in the sense of having removed something that has been clinging.

The Syphon Person tenant situ came to a head today, resulting in my handing them over to another Support Worker. Attendant feelings of failure and guilt. However, the idea of people being a temporary assignment remains. We are only ever entrusted people for a while, whether it be a ‘reason, season or a lifetime’. I just have to accept that when to Lord sees fit to remove a person from my grasp, that I have fulfilled the purpose for which he sent me. Still, it never feels enough.

Made a point today of handing over all those for whom I have concern to God; tenants, family and friends. Had a sense that I had actaully done so, rather than just paying lip service. Feel much lighter now. Need to make this a regular practice and to look after myself more, a drained Support Worker has a tendency to collapse…not exactly a supportive characteristic!

Tiffer, thanks! I say as I think, if that helps then I am glad. As for T & E knowing of my utterances, I assume you mean the ‘shecameonahonda’ (read it!) type, rather than the fact that I comment on your blog! The fact that I have to really think whether I have ever let him know is a little worrying! I must have done, but cannot remember actaully having done so! Maybe he can tell you! 😉

Til next time, friends, beware of the Syphon People (weeeooooaaaa – 60’s B movie sound effects)

Syphon People

Does anyone else give too much of themselves to the Syphon People?

No, they are not a race of evil alien beings who invade earth to carry off our internal organs and drink our blood, simply those who are in need of alot of support.

Being a Support Worker, you would think this is my remit, to always support. However, my boss made it clear to me today that, as far as some tenants are concerned, it is a case of thus far and no further. You can only do so much, apparantly. Not an easy lesson for a Needy Person Addict. Syphon People will always get a response from me, I will give and give until I am a dry husk and, surprise surprise, they are no better off. Go figure!

I am learning that my calling is not to totally fix people, tho (as if that were possible!) I made a statement that I liked to sort everything and my boss asked me if I was God! Having no faith of her own, that was a wonderfully apposite answer. Obviously, the answer is that I am not the Almighty (hear world breathe sigh of relief), so really should only concentrate on the jobs the real Lord gives me and none other. I should also be willing to hand them over when my tasks are done.

Trouble is, I do not tend to heed the internal prompts that I am finished with one client, all I see is the horrible tangle of unresolved issues.

I remember once hearing that, as servants, we should respond to God, not to the need. Never were those words more appropriate than now!

Naive, realsitic or cynical?

The other day I was accused of having become more cynical by a colleague of mine. I deflected this assertion, saying that they simply knew the ‘real me’ by now.

But it did get me thinking.

Having been a cynic, and proud of it, in my earlier years, I was glad to lose that mantle on finding faith. However, I do tend to get a little disillusioned with the way the world works. However, I would say that this wake-up call is often the result of expecting much more from people than they are able, or inclined, to deliver.

I like to look for the best in all, and seek to be the best I can be. The reality is, people often fall short of expectations, this includes myself (naturally), and disappointment ensues. Enough of this kind of thing finally results in the re-emergence of my cynicism. No-one is righteous, not even one – a tenet which is true, but sticks in the throat of an idealist.

Only Husband, on the other hand, has a much more balanced view. He seeks the best in people, but is not surprised or disappointed when they do not come up with the goods. A much healthier attitude. In fact, when I perceive that I have failed him, I punish myself much more severely than he would ever do. He makes allowances for my weaknesses, and those of others, with the assertion that we are ‘only human’. As a result, he is much more lenient on himself, too.

What is it that makes me so unforgiving?

Help for a Googler

Looking at Wiblog stats, dicovered that someone has found my blog by searching ‘how to turn down a job offer’.

Hmm, don’t think my experience will be much help. My approach went something like:

– procrastinate
– badger HR for vital info
– provisionally accept
– turn down, by leaving phone message with HR, in light of furhter developments

Reckon the Googler should look elsewhere for advice!

Brief Update

Here is the News

Today, Dith was finally informed that the job she most wanted had been accepted by the first choice for the post. She was unsurprised. This announcement comes on the back of her turning down the other job offer, having decided that, although it was a ‘bird in the hand’, it was a pretty dowdy one. The latest information we have on Dithsjobgate is that, furhter to encouragement from one of the seniors at her current placement, she is putting in an application for a forthcoming vacancy there.

HR are reported to be ‘unimpressed’.

Frustrated? Me?

It is 4.35pm Tues, and still no decision. Reason, paperwork still not processed.

Stay of execution from somewhat disgruntled HR bod. I have until feedback from appointee received (hopefully by tomorrow a.m.) until I give my decision.

This is REALLY getting to me now!

***End of whinge transmission***