I am SO in need of offloading.
Many thoughts and happenings, shocks and disappointments, constraints and lack of self-control.
Just so much to say. To someone who will listen, to anyone who will listen.
Circular arguments and people pressing my buttons left, right and centre. Why is that? Are my buttons so numerous, so obvious or do I just have a very sensitive bunch of connective wires? Sometimes I just want them to stop but, in a perverse way, I actually thrive on the need others have for me. The reactions they cause make me feel more alive, somehow.
Then, people do something unexpected. The one who I assumed to be a poor, fluffy vulnerable thing proves to have poisonous claws. Another, who I had assumed thrived on debate and discourse, seems to need some distance from that very thing. Was that my fault? Do I actually ‘overfeed’ people, misread them or simply get it all wrong. I feel so wrong-footed and uncertain of much that I have taken for granted for so long.
Also, why can I never turn away from a need and feel diminished when I discover that my generosity has been abused or, worse, if I am not actually needed as much as I thought? That is SO hard.
I am discovering much about myself and others and, I would say, my whole attitude is undergoing a shift of almost seismic proportions. Watch me dance about frantically as I try not to fall down the cracks!
Will someone please make it stop?!? Or at least disconnect my wires or take out my batteries so I don’t have to deal with it.
Does any of this make any sense to any of you out there? It may sound like a desparate rant and, in a way it is, but worry not (if you are). I am just coping with the landscape of my mind and perceptions shifting.
I am not who I thought I was. My motives are not always the ones I assumed them to be. Furhtermore, people do not conform to the boxes I have shoved them in for so long. I am waking up to the fact that the world, which I have long known to be complex and confusing, is far more random and unpredictable than I ever could have imagined.
The can of worms is open and they are everywhere!!!