Monthly Archives: January 2006

Good news, bad news and a discovery

Good news – Mum has been told by the physioterrorists that she is going to be able to walk again! Den texted me today with this news and Dad filled in the details this evening. This is SOOOO cool, but it provoked mixed reactions in Mum. She apparantly burst into tears. A long time remaining stoic seemed to have broken down, I can only guess that it was a mixture of relief, hope, fear and doubt (amongst others) that caused this. I told Dad, somewhat hesitsantly, that it was a ‘Praise God’ moment. This apparantly unbelieving man then became a little tearful as he told me that they (he and Mum) had always been thankful for my faith. Not sure what was behind that, but it was a lovely moment nevertheless.

That was the positive. The negative is the ongoing battle between D & D. It would be unfair to go into it, or to enter a blame game, but suffice to say that it makes a difficult situation unbearable for some. *Sigh*

As for the discovery, again I must be vague, but I want to share it in some way with you, my wib-based support group. Whilst retaining some form of obscurity, I will say that it is pertinent to some people close to me and it may provide the key to unlock a box that has long remained very firmly bolted. We have always known the box to be there, full of all sorts of incomprehensible and difficult stuff, but I could not have imagined that there was any possible way of beginning to tackle it. It has remained stubbornly immovable for too long. Quite by chance (hmmm?), however, I discovered something today which now refuses to let me go. I am compelled to follow it up in the fond hope that it is not a false trail. Please God let it be possible to take this journey and find that there is light at the end of a tunnel that has appeared to be blocked for as long as I can remember.

Sheesh. Lots to process. In my own inimitable style, I want the answers by yesterday and to be at the end of journey(s) that are only just beginning. Please pray for me and, more importantly, those close to me, that we can make it to the other side – together and rejoicing. That is my hope, my prayer, my aim.

Thanks to God, once more, for faithful fellowship, firm friends and fond family.

Also thank Him for the ability to alliterate on the letter ‘f’ – my secondary school english teacher would be proud 🙂

More good news

Dad got in touch last week and told me that the medics reckon that Mum has ‘moved to another level’. This does not mean that her ward is now on a different floor in the hospital, that would be silly! Seriously, tho, this means that her recovery may be fuller than initially thought. We will have a better idea of the prognosis in a few weeks’ time. Lets hope and pray for even more news of this variety.

It’s Silly O’Clock…

…and all is knackered.

Well, I am at least. Sensible people are in bed, having not stayed up to get a job application completed!

For the curious amongst you, the letter going into tomorrow’s post is hoped to get me a secondment to a more senior post in the tenancy support organisation that I already work for. If successful, I will have a few months working in Barry (that’s a place near Cardiff, NOT a person, stop sniggering!!!), getting an idea of whether I am cut out for management or not. Y’see, I dither about this. The extra practical work would be unlikely to cause me any probs, but I wonder if I have the temperament for it. That is what I hope to find out. The chance of a shorter working week with a predictable routine would also make it easier to visit the family and support Mum, not to mention ensuring that I am not working when Jeff is home.

Anyway, I am going to try to switch off now (must not surf other blogs, must not surf other blogs, must not surf other blogs….) and endeavour to ensure that the tendency towards the utilisation of application form verbiage is minimised and eventually eradicated by the advent of the forthcoming morning.

Yawn. Streeeeetch. Creak (sound of vertebrae).

G’night.

Briefly blogging…

Have been meaning to post an update on my visit home. Taking a much needed break from application form filling you guys know how things are with Mum. (More about the job application when I have made the deadline!)

On Saturday, with anxiety in my heart as to what I was likely to encounter, I drove to the hospital in Poole from the family estate (!) near Swanage. The Mum who greeted me was much more ‘herself’ than I had seen her since the stroke happened. She appeared quite cheerful and her speech and movement was much improved compared to the beginning of the month. I had a lovely chat with her. Her sense of humour is still intact, as evidenced (ooh, long word, must still be in application form mode!) by the utterance of ‘How many are there, for goodness sake?’ when I was showing her pics on my new digital camera.

We also had a cup of tea together! There was something refreshingly normal about sitting with my Mum, chatting and drinking a cuppa. If you had asked me a month ago whether this would be possible by this point, my answer would probably have been a sarky laugh, implying ‘you must be kidding?!?’

Also had a meal with D & D, which was great despite the major missing ingredient – Mum. The empty 4th chair just seemed exactly that – empty. Den also had a much needed day-off. Jeff and I are planning to go again in a few weeks time to provide Den with a long week-end off, which she intends to use to visit family in Lichfield. God knows she deserves it!

Having said that, Mum was much lower when I visited again on Sunday, but I think that is pretty much how it goes. Also, there was evidence that there is still tension at home. Again, though, par for the course. C’est la vie.

Ah well, wibmates, ’tis time to log off and fill in some more thrilling application. Wish me luck…or whatever…

Praise God!

Was not going to blog today, intended just to visit & write silly comments on other blogs 😉

However, mid-comment, my Dad called. This is the reason for the title of this entry, ‘cos it is what I ended up thinking as a result of his call. I am not given to charismatic outbursts as a rule, and I did not say it out loud, but ‘Praise God!’ best expresses my feelings at the moment.

Dad described his time with Mum this evening as ‘The best visit so far’, he also said that she was ‘Coherent and conversational.’ As if that were not enough, she made a valiant and *determined* effort to put a sock on her right leg. She needed help in the end, but she *tried* – and that is the important part!!!

Denise had reported a bright Mum, too, that afternoon. She has been buying up and will be cooking ‘real’ food for Mum to eat. Mushy, but proper! Auntie Jan has also noticed a marked improvement, she has not seen Mum in about a week.

So, all looks good for the forthcoming visit home. I know that I may not see Mum on top form, as she has been today, but it looks like she has found her ‘spark’ again. It is likely to come and go, but I know it is there – praise God!

And thanks for your prayers 😉

Rebranded

As you will see, the title of my wiblog has changed. I feel that daftness and humour do not really define the content of this blog any more, at least not all of it. There is always room for some!

My first attempt at blogging was entitled ‘Ditherings’, as some of you may remember, and was a tongue-in- cheek attempt to inspire. ‘Daftness’ then went on to show a little more of what I would call the real me. It is only since the advent of Mum’s illness, however, that I have come out of my self-imposed shell and stopped hiding behind humour.

The me you get on the blog these days is as close to the real thing as it has ever been. My late night rant of Jan 7th was about as raw as I get. The thing is, I have made more friends through just letting off steam than I ever did with my heavy handed attempts to amuse and/or inspire. What does that say?

Anyway, enough of this introspection.

Mum saw a good friend this week-end, which cheered her up. Now, however, the friend has had to go back to Spain and she is low again. Our dog has paid her a visit, tho’, which caused a little raise in spirits. Dad has reported a little of the progress she is making with her physio. Movement is returning to her previously paralysed side. Cool! They are working her hard, apparantly.

Very little has changed with D & D (that’s Dad and Denise, not Dungeons and Dragons – though sometimes I wonder 😉 Den is thinking of staying with our aunt, Jan, which may do some good. I am to visit this coming week-end, so please be in prayer for oodles of patience and strength so I can be the best person I can be for them all.

Thanks.

Btw, Swansea dwellers, was great to see you all this week-end and witness Dave’s dedication. God bless you all, dunno where I’d be without you!

Happy Pills

Well, Mum needs happy pills and so do I. However, I think she needs them much more than I do, by the sound of it. All the fight appears to have gone out of her, which is not really all that surprising, but nonetheless disturbing. My Mum is not traditionally the quitter of our family and I have often thought of her as the most balanced out of the lot of us. This is no longer true. Please pray. Mum losing her physical ability is one thing, but Mum losing her natural resiliance and spark is quite another – that would be like losing the real essence of who she is. I do not think any of us could bear that.

Dad and D also need your prayers, if only that they can support each other and stop tearing chunks out of one another – figuratively, at least (I’m thankful for THAT small mercy!) Any more than that I will not say, recounting details will only frustrate me – again!

On a practical level, they have moved Mum to a different ward where the people are more lively and Mum is less likely to retreat into her own world. Lets face it, I guess her own world is not the best place to be right now. She is no longer on pureed food and does not have to drink ‘syrup’ any more, so that’s good. As a result, she is wanting to drink alot of water! (The syrup form of water apparantly tastes foul!) Cassie, our black lab, will also be allowed to pay Mum a visit and, when she is better still, to take a turn around the grounds with her.
This will hopefully be an incentive for Mum to try to get out of her rut.

In my life are the happy pills, a three day working week for the near future, understanding colleagues, supportive friends and a fabulous family of in-laws. Last, but by no means least, is the long suffering Jeff. So, all is not bad – here at least.

Also, Swansea dwellers, prepare for a mini-invasion of Parry dimensions. Jeff and I are planning to visit this coming week-end. So, hope to see you then.

Love to you all in Wibland.

Bewildered

These are nocturnal ramblings of one who cannot sleep. I pondered just writing them down in a notepad or speaking them out to God, but this seemed a better option. Don’t know why, maybe it’ll help more this way.

Help. That is an interesting word. I have recently discovered that I do not like to ask for help. Someone in work commented on this, saying " So you expected to be born knowing everything, did you?" This showed how ludicrous my need to be self-suffiecient actually is!

It may surprise those who know me that I do not feel comfortable being the one in need. I have spent so much of my life feeling that I need support here, there and everywhere that it begins to grate after a while. Just because, historically, I have been only too ready to seek assistance from those I love and trust, it does not mean that I have to *like* it. It is a matter of recognising the necessity and responding.

However, when I married Jeff in the Summer and moved away from my base in Swansea, where many of my good friends live, I figured that this would be a fresh start. A start particularly free of needing to ask for bloody help.

However, I have recently come to the realisation that I am, once again, suffering from depression. I am on meds for it anyway, but I was hoping that in the long run I would be able to come off of them. If I am honest, I was not doing too well before the situation with Mum blew up, but this has just brought things to a head. If I was floundering in the deep end before, some bugger has now filled up the pool and turned on the wave machine!

So where does that leave me? I have spent the last few days off work and, not to seem too super-spiritual I hope, alot of that time I have spent praying. I suppose that I hoped that if I prayed long enough and hard enough, the lurking fear, anger, weariness and tendency to burst into tears would go away. It has, occasionally. Occasionally is not enough though. The fact is, as I admitted to Jeff after a particularly soul-searching and soggy session, I am not winning here.

That leaves me in a quandry. If there is any help I hate more than any other, it is having to take meds in order to be a rational human being. I figure that, as it is a matter of the mind, I should be able to think myself better or, failing that, for God to intervene and make it better. I hate the rhetoric that people come out with comparing depression to diabetes. You do not think with your pancreas and neither is there any sense of stigma attached to being diabetic. I just want to be SANE! And to be sane without needing to pop pills.

It comes back down to the question of Boxing Day that I could not answer then and I cannot answer now. God can do anything he chooses, it is just that sometimes his choice is not the same as ours.

If I could have my way, Mum would be fit and happy, Denise and Dad would not be at each others throats, and I would be enjoying a blissful first year of marriage with my husband. Well, blissful may be overstating it a little, but I would not have chosen this level of difficulty, that is for sure.

I did not ask for a mountain to climb. I suppose I wanted green pastures and still waters all the way. And I certainly did not order leaden grey skies and torrential rain. If taking anti-depressants is the equivalent of wearing heavy duty waterproofs, instead of saying "I want it to be sunny and therefore I will wear shorts and a t-shirt" then I suppose that is the most rational option. It still does not mean that I have to *like* it, tho.

I could shake my fist at the skies and demand that the storm go away, or I could put on my waterproofs and seek shelter when it got too bad. Bit of a no-brainer, really. Thanks for listening and, if you can say anything to help (yes, help), please feel free to comment. Hopefully I’ll sleep now.

Now the update on Mum and family

As I am back in Newport, the updates come to me via phone calls to Dad and Denise. The feeling I am getting is that she is pretty low as realisation of how things are is dawning. I do not think she knows how far she has come, but seems to be only too aware of how far she has to go. Understandable really.

Dad and D saw Dr. Villar, Mum’s consultant, on Wednesday. She is pretty amazed at how quickly Mum has regained function. We will not know how much more imporvement is likely until about a month from now, when the medics can have a better idea. The fact is that she will be in hospital for at least another three months and she is likely to have some impairment remaining in the long run, but we do not yet know how much.

The terrorists (speech and phsysio) have apparantly been working Mum hard recently and I think this will be good for her. Hopefully having something to focus on will enable her to make progress and give her something positive to think about and work towards.

Prayer requests: Postitivity for Mum
Harmony between Dad and Denise
That I will know how best to support them

Thanks.